Apr
15

i’m exhausted

Does this ever happen to you?  You talk to your kids and they don’t listen?  I mean, you’re telling them something that’s obviously important and they aren’t hearing you, either because they are distracted (with toys or tv or doing their own thing) or because they are purposefully ignoring you.  Well, that’s pretty much something I address EVERY DAY!  And it drives me crazy.  The repeating, the mini lecture about not listening to Mommy, the constant reminding.  Yeah, it’s annoying.  And you know what I realized today?

I do this.

To Jesus.

(WHAT?!?!)

I have to be honest, I find that a lot of what I get frustrated about with my kids (and husband :( are things that I do to Jesus.  Sad but true.  Like, I’m sad Branden didn’t make a point to spend a lot of time with me today.  Yeah, busted.  Or why do my kids have to argue with me about EVERYTHING?  Why can’t they just obey?  Yeah, that’s me.

Anyways, back to what Jesus has been trying to tell me – repeatedly – even though I haven’t actually been listening – at all.

I’ve got you.  Always have.  Always will.  You don’t realize how valuable you are to me.  More than the birds in the air or the flowers that cover the field – they’re intricate and fragile and beautiful, but nothing compared you.  You are my treasure.  And I’ll guard you with my very life.  Always.  Always.

I have a hard time remembering or realizing this ridiculous love, this very personal and fierce affection that Jesus has for me sometimes.  Why?  Not because He doesn’t do what He says he will, every single day.  Or because I’ve had to pick up the pieces after He’s failed me.  But because I look at the circumstance instead of at Him.  I look at the numbers and the lists and the pile of unknowns, instead of sitting and listening to Him speak.  And you know what?  It’s exhausting.  It’s like you’re running and you never stop.  Even when you lay down to try and sleep, your brain won’t shut off.  And the whole time Jesus has been calling, just like I call to my boys, “Hey, do you hear me?  Look at me.  I’ve got you.”

I think about Martha sometimes.  Where Jesus said she was worried about many things.  Choose what is better.  Sit down.  Look at me.

There are things to do, work to be done, endless lists of task after task.  And maybe those things really do need to get done.  But where am I?  Am I listening?  Can I hear Him?  Do I believe Him?  Or am I trying to figure things out?  Take care of things myself?

I think that’s it.  That’s what kicking my butt.  The idea that I’m in charge, things are up to me, I gotta get it done, take care of things – that’s what’s exhausting.  It’s not that I’m supposed to just forget about my responsibilities, or never think about the logistics.  It’s that in the end, do I trust Jesus?  Do I believe that He’ll take care of us, that He won’t leave us hanging?  Because if I don’t, if I have to carry all this weight by myself, then I’ve already lost.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”            ~ Matthew 11:28-30

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