Oct
06

ever been there?

I know it’s been quiet around here :)  There’s honestly so much to share – good things, hard things, blessings, just busy, everyday things.  I have a plan, to start blogging consistently again.  I’m almost done with work, so I’m hoping that will free up some time :)  For now though, I wanted to share my heart.  This is a post I wrote a few nights ago.  I hope it blesses you.

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Have you ever doubted the Lord?  I don’t mean that you thought He wasn’t real.  I mean, like you’re in this place where you have a hard time believing Him, the things He says.  Does that make sense?

I’ve been there the last few days.  There’s a lot going on right now (I know I say that a lot :)  Other than the everyday I’m a homeschooler and my kids think the laundry pile is a jungle gym and I never know what to make for dinner until five o’ clock craziness, it’s just been challenging.  Ever been in one of those seasons?  There are things we’ve been praying about for a while.  Praying and waiting and talking and waiting and trusting and waiting and waiting and waiting.

The last few days I’ve started to doubt some of the things that have been clear to me for so long.  That God has our best in mind.  That He has a good plan.  That He cares about these things, all these things, the big things and the little things that seem so insignificant in the grand scheme of it all but are a big deal to me.  Do You see me down here?

Branden is out of town for work right now.  Tonight after I put the kids in bed, I went downstairs to peruse the internet, like I do before going to bed.  I checked Facebook and email, etc.  Then I started to feel like I needed to stop and pray.  Ever get that feeling?  Like the Lord wants to talk to you?  Honestly, I didn’t really feel like it.  That sounds so stupid, like I could just tell the Creator of the universe that I was too busy to stop and listen to Him.  But like I said, I’ve just been feeling burned out on this trusting the Lord thing lately.  (Seriously, how absurd?)

So I kept browsing the web for a little while, but I couldn’t shake it.  There’s a devotional I’m reading right now.  A couple of days ago, it was talking about how a grateful heart praises the Lord but also how praising the Lord helps generate a grateful heart.  It’s like a cycle, but you have to choose to praise even if you’re not feeling it.  Which is pretty much where I’ve been.

So I stopped what I was doing and started to pray, right there, laptop still open.  I started to think of all the things God has done, the ways He’s always taken care of us.  How He’s taking care of us right now, things I just take for granted (which made me feel bad for kind of blowing Him off :/

As I kept praying I felt like I needed to stop talking for a sec and listen, like there was something in particular the Lord wanted to say.  So I stopped talking.  I just tried to clear my head and listen.  Nothing happened.  Then I got distracted and thought I should check on the car.  No, clear my head.  Listen.  C’mon, does the Lord really want to say something to me?  I think about the car again and try to clear my head.  Nothing.  I should look through the curtains and check on the car, just really quick.  Seriously, what’s with the car?  I’m trying to listen to the Lord.  Okay, clear my head again.  Still nothing.  I finally just stop and say “amen” so I can look through the curtains at the car.

I walk to the other side of the living room and pull back one of the curtains.  The dome light is on.  The dome light is on?  That’s literally never happened to me before, but if I’d left it on all night we wouldn’t have had a car tomorrow which we definitely need!  I grab my keys and go outside in my pajamas.  One of the doors hadn’t been shut all the way.  I open it up, start the car just to make sure it will start.  Turn it off, shut the doors and go back in the house.

I walked in and the Lord said, “See, I still see you.”

I stopped and felt my face get warm; I started to cry.  I know it seems small, the Lord telling me about the dome light, but just to hear Him, being concerned with the small, but significant details of my life.  I know the Lord is faithful.  I know that He’s used this season in so many ways, that my relationship with Him wouldn’t be what it is if we didn’t have to cling to Him.  And I know, we are the apple of His eye.  Of course He sees me.

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